Ren’s Confession Booth

*REN speaks:

Last night, in Boat Quay Bar, we were about to finish up our drinks. Ruby was VERY determined to call it a night after her first beer, and me after my second glass of white wine. We had a sip left in our glasses at this point.

REN:
Okok… Rube?

RUBY:
yeah?

REN:
I have a confession.

RUBY:
(eyes grew wide open)

REN:
Hahahahahaha!!!!

RUBY:
What? You pregnant?

REN:
No! hahahahahaha!

RUBY:
What??? What??? What??? What??? What???

(clearing the plates and glasses standing between us)

RUBY:
What??? What??? What??? What??? What???

REN:
Hahahahahahahaha!

RUBY:
What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What???

REN:
Erm…. I haven’t been…

RUBY:
What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What???

REN:
I haven’t been… quite…

RUBY:
What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What??? What???

REN:
I haven’t been… quite… celibate…

(just when you thought her eyes couldn’t get any bigger, they did.)

RUBY:
Y......OU B…..ITCH!!!!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
Wha…wha…Wha…wha…Wha…wha…

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
I HATE YOU!!!!!! YOU BITCH!
HOW??
WHEN????
WH...…OOOOOOO????!!!!!!!!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
YOU BITCH!!!!!!! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I WAS WONDERING HOW YOU COULD HOLD OUT FOR SO LONG! YOU BITCH!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
What do you mean? I CAN hold, and HAVE held out for that long.. maybe even longer!!

RUBY:
FUCK YOU Ren! There I was, worried you’re not getting laid, YOU BITCH!!!!

REN:
No really Rube, I don’t want to pollute it with the s-word and all. Because it was really sweet.. I want to let it die with me..

RUBY:
CUT THE CRAP! (EYES STILL BULGING)
TELL ME NNNOW! TELL ME! YOU BITCH!!!!

(She gulps her beer, and slams the empty mug back down on the table.) FUCK! I NEED ANOTHER BEER!!!!
I AM FUCKING HAVING ANOTHER BEER!!!!
EXCUSE ME, ONE MORE HEINY, AND A WHITE WINE PLEASE!!!!

(turns to me)
YOU B….ITCH!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Thought you wanted to cut down on alcohol..
you absolutely refused to order another beer just now! Hahahaha!
Erm.... there’s another thing…

RUBY:
WHAT THE FUCK????!!!! YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What!!!!!!

(she picks up a paper napkin from the dispenser, wipes the sweat off her forehead with her right hand, and holds on to her chest with her left...)

RUBY:
I can't take this.. WAIT!!! WAIT!!! i am really sweating! FUCK YOU!!!

(she wipes off more sweat and fans herself with the soiled napkin)

RUBY:
okok... what!!! GOD...

REN:
I, am….

(silence)

REN:
officially….

(silence)

REN:
BABIFIED.

(I stretched to pick her jaw up from the floor. She reached across the table for a Marlboro fix. And she ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS had to beg for a stick because I always gave her grief about reaching out for one. She didn’t bother asking me this time. I let it pass because i was just too busy laughing!)

RUBY:
I Hate you!!!! How can you lie to this face! (points to herself) this face! THHHHHIS FACE!

(she’s not a smoker.. So it’s quite a comical sight. Her fingers tremble when she lights one up or takes a drag. And the shaking was much worse now.)

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
FUCK YOU!!! I AM REALLY PISSED OFF WITH YOU!!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(she shakes as she grabs her full glass of beer)

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
SHUT UP!!!! I FEEL LIKE A FOOL!

REN:
IT’S FUNNY!

RUBY:
IT’S NOT FUNNY! The joke is on ME!!!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Please babe.. don’t be angry… understand me…

RUBY:
You’re a liar, that’s what you are… a fucking liar!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

RUBY:
I hate you now… don’t come near me..

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Aw… please???? Don’t fold your arms… you’re usually dancing to this music… move your arms.. Want me to fondle your breasts?

RUBY:
FUCK YOU!!! You’re not getting anywhere near my breasts!

(my face in her breasts and tickling them)


REN:
Koochiekoochiekoo! puki poo? I love you???!!!!

RUBY:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
FUCK LAH! Get lost you!!!

REN:
And you say you can smell a cock on anyone from a mile away… huh!

RUBY:
BITCH! So when? How? Who? Details!

REN:
A Wednesday I remember.. Because I attended this event at a pub.

RUBY:
FUCK YOU!!!!

REN:
Everything is a blur now... I went out and didn’t tell you. I really want it to remain unpolluted.. So all you have to know is…he was babi, it was sweet, and it was fucking amazing!!!!

RUBY:
YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY PUKI BUDDY!!!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Don’t be angry with me baby… pleeeeeeeeease? I’ll pinch your puki to make you feel better…

RUBY:
FUCK YOU!!!!!! DON’T TOUCH ME!!!!!

REN:
But really babe, other than that, I HAVE been celibate since I met you..

RUBY:
FUCK YOU! Who believes you now??? You lying Bitch!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Many hilarious moments are getting lost. That’s why I was thinking if I ever decided to tell you, I wanted to do it on MSN.. This conversation, your reactions, my reactions, are fucking PRICELESS!!!!

RUBY:
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR PUKI! So tell me you bitch, tell me…

REN:
I'm just saying enough, for me to not resign from the s-word...
Han, an Indonesian Chinese. Han and I used to hang out with a mutual friend, but since he moved back to Indonesia a few years ago, we hardly kept in contact.

RUBY:
BITCH!!! Then???

REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Then nothing... It was Han.
And I SWEAR, my declaration was the FURTHEST thing from my mind..

RUBY:
FUCK LAH!!!

REN:
I want it to remain as a sweet memory, k?
Hahahahaha.... Anyway, Babi lips after 8 years taste great! So Han (not that you know about this blog), you are part of the s-word history!

Let’s screw the analysis Rube, and don’t ask me more… because I’ll break into a fit! Maybe if we receive an influx of requests for details, i might relent. Haha!

I've unintentionally confirmed a few personal beliefs and I'm happy about it.

But the important thing is, Ren is babi-fied, and back in business baby!

Relationships with milo, horlicks, green tea, soya milk, chin chow… WWWHATEVER. My dating market has expanded. Woohoo!

So! When are we going grocery shopping? That tin of milo is looking delicious..