S-Word Sisters’ first sober date… sort of..

Last Saturday on MSN:

RUBY:
Morning!!!! am bored. am bored.. am bored!!!
shall we do movies? like all normal couples.. hahahaha!!

REN:
k. (surfs the internet and suggests the first movie that popped up)
The Lake House?

RUBY:
SET!

REN:
you realize this would be our first SOBER outing?

RUBY:
Yeah!


(at the cinema: We got our tickets, bought pop corn, iced tea, and proceeded to the food court.
15 minutes to kill before the movie starts)

RUBY:
We’re too sober man!

REN:
I know! I don’t know what to do with myself.

RUBY:
Look at this. Iced tea, and coffee. And we’re eating popcorn in the fucking food court. We can’t even watch a movie right.. This feels fucking strange man.

REN:
Look, we can’t even sit right. I think we’re too used to bar stools.

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(as we were walking to the theater)

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

REN:
Why the fuck are we swaying? Not used to walking sober or what..

RUBY:
I think I walk better when I’m drunk.. I feel like I’m going to fall off these steps!! Serious!!
(in the theater)

RUBY:
Ren, I’m bored already.

REN:
I told you, but nnnnnno…. SOMEONE wanted to WATCH a MOVIE…

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

RUBY:
Alright, let’s get this sober date over and done with.
SIGH!!!!!! (slurps her ice tea, wishing it was beer)

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(about 10 minutes into the movie, keanu makes his first appearance. Full body shot)

REN:
(nudges Ruby) Psst! Psst!

RUBY:
What???

REN:
(leans against her and whispers)
Don’t think I don’t know what you’re looking at..

RUBY:
Hahahahaha! Shut up!

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(10 minutes later, another full body shot of keanu)

REN:
Psst! Psst!

RUBY:
What?

REN:
(indicates with hands.. estimating keanu’s cock length and thickness)

RUBY & REN:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(about one hour into the movie)

RUBY:
Psst! This movie is fucking boring man..

(movie ends)

RUBY:
God.. This is the first and last time we’re doing this.

REN:
NOW will you stop nagging about going on a sober date?

RUBY:
Yeah! NEVER. NEVER, NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
no more… (worn out puki face) I need a drink.
Let’s go to BQ bar.

REN:
Okay, but one or two.. maximum. I have to be sober for a dinner later.

RUBY:
SET!

(evening continues on next entry...)

Fuck Facts

an email forwarded by a sex fairy:

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. K issing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that rest! ricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Aunty Ruby

RUBY:
u know what i'm doing NEXT sunday

REN:
What?

RUBY:
climb up mount faber. exercise with ted. he wants to man!

REN:
fuck you two... relationship of barely 3 months, and you don't want to stay at home and fuck.
tell him.. "waste time!"

RUBY:
i tried. but teddy will be teddy. Hahaha

REN:
seriously man.. You guys just got together, see each other once/twice a week, and he declares Sunday a REST day!! What the fuck!!!! i don't know what the hell you two are doing.

RUBY:
Hahaha

REN:
you're making my blood boil..

RUBY:
u imagine how i'm feeling if ur boiling man. me frustrated.

REN:
if you're doing these senior citizen activities now, what will you be doing in 6 months?

RUBY:
damn.. i dunno.. raising kids?
hahaha

REN:
God.. You might as well say goodbye to even once a week.

RUBY:
yeah man.. fuck

REN:
You haven't even gone through the regular fucks, and you’re thinking of being a mother. Fuck you.

RUBY:
Hey, u gonna be godma!

REN:
i don't know man.. it's your life.

Ruby is Reeeeally Getting on my Nerves

RUBY:
So sweet my ted!
this is what he wrote...
" Hi sweetie, Howz my beatiful sugar mommy doing? Wanted very much to take u away but this weekend isnt that great for me. Im still working on buying the appartment and I wont be able to relax before Im over and done with that. Im gonna be a bit distracted with this the next couple of weeks so before i at work“

REN:
I’m supposed to be touched by this? Puki you!!

RUBY:
Hahaha… ok lahh!
spare u mushy details..
sorry.. this is very sweet from my babe ok!
so i am touched!
hahahaha

REN:
you're wasting my time again.. Fuck you!

RUBY:
me miss you...
needs you to slap me..
IN THE FACE!
NEED A SLAP!



REN:
you're really not fucked enough

RUBY:
yes. Not enough at all.
NOT ENOUGH! I NEED TO BE FUCKED!
Hahahaha

REN:
this might keep you in a boring relationship for a little longer

"I'd Rather Be In Love With You" by Susan Haynes (Susan Haynes/Jim Reilley)

It's just like me to overthink this somehow
Or analyze it 'til I'm blue
And let my hair take over my emotions
Ignore them like I always do
But I'd rather be in love with you

I could take all the lessons learned from past loves
Color my judgment with old news
Convince myself that only fools chase rainbows
Find some other poor excuse
But I'd rather be in love with you

Just let it happen
That's all I need to do
Let my heart lead me
And where my heart keeps leading me is straight to you

So if you're wondering why I'm telling you this
Instead of holdin' back the truth
Revealing all these feelings
I've been feelingHopin' that you feel them, too
It's 'cause I'd rather be in love with you
Yes, I'd rather be in love with you
I'd rather be in love with you

RUBY:
WAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHHAA
u trying to prove a point?

REN:
just trying to help

RUBY:
you so fucked up also.. full of shit.. hahahah!

REN:
good you realize that.. you proved my point again. thank you.
so you better wake up your face

RUBY:
WAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHHAA
puki i really miss you lah..
wake up my face??? hahahah! what to khallas or not to Khallas!

REN:
up to you.. either you agree with the song, or think it's crap
it might say something about how you really feel towards teddy.

RUBY:
yeah.. love makes u do stupid things..
If i khallas teddy i will be back to a cock-loving.. man eating vivacious flirt.. maneater! the WORKS!

REN:
it's up to you what you want..

RUBY:
yeah.. i need to do an in depth analysis with my puki.

Rope Ren and Ruby Up

RUBY:
u should see my face on Sunday..
cos there i was all ready to tie teddy up...
then he said no.. wahhh!
IMMEDIATELY.. i got up...
smacked the ropes on the FLOOR..
and sulked on the other end of the couch...
took out a book and read!
then i smacked his ass!
took out a pillow from the bedroom..
use his ass as a head rest..
but i insisted i wanted it..
then i didn't talk to him the whole time until dinner..
WAHHHH BLACK MAN my face!
why are men such pussies!
they want to tie us up.. but they dun wanna be tied up!
CHEBAI!

REN:
Haha.. i've never been tied up.. I want to be..
but only with good cock
With a so-so cock, there’s no point
don't want to fake struggling

RUBY:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.. that's true...

REN:
let me tell you a funny story.. i tried to tie my ex up.. but he wouldn't let me.
He pulled my wrists behind me because i was trying to stop him..
i couldn't move... but puki pounding
i forgot about tying him up. I was paralyzed. Haha..
woah.. I was so helpless..
Me hated it.. but in a very good way.. Me like…

RUBY:
maybe i should fuck brazilian..
then at least i will have no complains..
Can’t have sex for 2 weeks after that..
hahaha

REN:
FUCK MAN!!! i made myself horny!!!

RUBY:
hahahahaha
YEAHH! u just made me horny too!
FUCK U!

REN:
can feel puki drooling now

RUBY:
see lahhh!

REN:
SHIT!!!
you know what i just did.. i was reaching out for my mouse, but landed up gliding my mobile phone.. Was wondering why the fucking mouse wasn’t working..
i'm THAT horny!!!

RUBY:
HAHAHAHA!

REN:
fuck man babe..
i am now imagining someone tying me.. me STANDING up..
so he can work me 360 degrees..

RUBY:
save this talk for tomorrow! I need to work!!!
PLS PLS!!!!

REN:
i'm just swinging.. he grabs me from behind..
his naked cock grinds against my butt…
He kisses my ears, neck, shoulders, back, hips, outer thighs, inner thighs, calves…
He then glides through from between my legs…

RUBY:
PLS PLS! STOP!!!
HAIIIYAAAHHH!

REN:
His butterfly kisses travel back up from in front of me.
He stops and focuses on my inner thighs.
My thighs rub against his face, trying to pull him up.
But he stays between my legs.. Continuing to stroke me with his tongue
i wrap my legs round his neck.. Almost strangling him..
He reaches for my ass to support my weight.
He starts working on my pea (=s-word slang for clit)
He uses his tongue, lips, cheeks, nose..
I feel his eyelashes fluttering against my pea…….
just when i'm about to explode, he moves up.. Slowly…
to my breasts……

RUBY:
STOP!!!!
now am starting to feel frustrated again.

REN:
He brushes my hair back..
He hugs me tenderly.
He kisses me firmly, but i have hardly any strength to kiss back
He picks up a knife, he slides his cock in me, he cuts the rope.
He carries me to the bed , with him still in me…

RUBY:
STOP!!!!!!! Puki!!!! FUCK U!

REN:
i'm too horny now anyway…cannot tahan my own story..
Puki.

Ruby’s Light Bulb Moment

*after Ruby read what she said in this previous entry:
"What happens when the Sisters suffer from Fuck-Deficiency?"

RUBY:
Ok. I realized I was quite stupid.

REN:
Good. Deserve to be slapped right?

RUBY:
Yeah… Deserve..
oh wise one! maybe i am not made for this relationship thing..
BUT I LIKE HIM SO MUCH.
i will be devastated if i leave him..
HAIIYOHHH! am torn!

REN:
i had this nagging feeling for a long time

RUBY:
what naggy feeling? that i need sex??

REN:
that you would call it quits with teddy one day

RUBY:
I dun want to.. actually. i really LIKE HIM! but the sex thing is killing me!

REN:
liking him is not the point

RUBY:
then what is the point

REN:
just my instinct that it’s to going to last.
but don't trust it.. i'm full of shit sometimes.
i didn't want to say it before, because i didn’t want you to be affected by it

RUBY:
i'm ok..
but the thing is i am torn..
i like him so much.. i am willing to tahan..
but for how long before i break..
hahaha
but right Now.. i feel its Not even taking me much effort to think its ok not be fucked so many times..
hahaha

REN:
that's because you're so busy with work

RUBY:
i cannot help it!

REN:
of course you can help it. people with not enough sex work harder.

RUBY:
YEAHHHH!
am beginning to think that's true!



REN:
Let me tell you then… it IS true.
people who work late in the office either a) have little/bad sex lives, b) married for more than 5 years, c) is a BABI.

RUBY:
i have a sex life.. Weekends.. cut down to one time per weekend.

REN:
Rube, you just proved my point.

RUBY:
CHEBAI LAHHH!

REN:
Hahahahaha…

RUBY:
YEAH!
But he has a beautiful cock.. kNows how to use it... but stingy!

REN:
And if you could get wednesday fucks.. honey, you wouldn't be working late today

RUBY:
yeahhh man! i would have motivation to step it up... and work FAST
so that i can leave at 6pm. hahaha

REN:
so don't give me the workaholic/career woman crap

RUBY:
SHARP!

REN:
workaholic=no fucks
=become a moron
=become juvenile
=waste ren's time

RUBY:
REN!!!!! HELP!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
what have i become??? what have i become!
yeah... sexless in singapore moron
when did i turn??? vixen to slob man!
i dun even dress up! 3 months already!
HAAAAAAAAIIIYAHHHH!
i need to get my sexuality back!
NEEED IT BACK!
SHALL WE GO OUT FRIDAY?
let me put on my sluttiest outfit..
we shall play lesbos again..
Mr S says i look hot as a dyke..
Hahahahaaaaa

REN:
Actually, you DO look like a hot lesbo.
and we do make an interesting couple.
Poor you.. You’re trying so hard to get back in the game. hahaha..
hey Rube.. Seriously, i think it's time for me to get into a relationship..

RUBY:
YEAH!!!

REN:
I think I have to.. really..

RUBY:
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

REN:
Yeah…..
Maybe THEN, i won't find you so fucking boring.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

RUBY:
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

What happens when the Sisters suffer from Fuck-Deficiency?

Ruby sends this to me via MSN in the afternoon:

RUBY:
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
strawberries/ being tickled/ teddy bear/ splashing in the bath/ hiding/ banging things/ wrapping myself up in blankets/ running around naked/ flowers/ being cuddled/ refusing to be cuddled/ Hiding things/ balloons/ Bursting balloons/ Puddles/ jumping/ jumping into puddles/ falling asleep in Smooth arms/ slides/ doggies/ putting things in coffee/

REN:
what the fuck?? who wrote this.. please don't tell me it's you...

RUBY:
Hahahahaha.. why ahhhh.. was going through my laptop..
then i found it on one of my files.. dun remember..

REN:
don't remember??? So you’re sending it to me.. for what fuck??

RUBY:
why cannot ahhh! it made me smile lahhh!

REN:
i'll slap you!!

RUBY:
want to share happiness also cannot

REN:
these kind of fucking things make you happy?? kotek you!!

RUBY:
yeah me simple... unlike u

REN:
fuck you!! you're wasting my time again..
if the heading was.. “reasons to feel horny”, THAT I understand,
but “reasons to be CHEERFUL”???
YOU GET REALLY STUPID when you lack fucks.. babi...
If you ever send idiotic things like that to me again, you’re out of the peapod!

REN speaks:
I told Ruby i was going to post this on the blog to remind her how moronic she became. It started off as a joke when i said she behaved and spoke like a two-year-old whenever she wasn't not screwed enough. Looks like the theory is true. And she wonders why I smack her on the head ever so often.
But on the other hand, I was thinking.. if this could be the very same reason why I get exceptionally edgy and abusive sometimes...
Why demonstrate physical violence on HER??
Because she lets me. haha.. okay, okay puki pea, you're back in the pod.

Sexual Paralysis… the GOOD kind.

*REN speaks:
Good Sex between a couple, ideally entails a give and take relationship. I’m sure everyone agrees.
But allow me to take a self-indulgent moment.
What I really, really, really, really, miss, what I really, really, really, really crave for..
Is another episode of completely surrendering to a man.
He WANTS to leave me with no choice, but to turn selfish and fall unconsciously into the grip of his mercy.

I do have a detailed account of what it would be like in my head, but honestly, ideally, he will show me moves I NEVER knew I wanted. Ahhhh…

Yes, yes… I know.. Ren is in Dreamworld again… Ruby must be dying to slap me silly and will probably say, “Wake up your face! No man will dare touch you if you continue talking like this!“

Sex therapists say that sex is not supposed to be as explosive as how it is depicted on television or in the movies. But I maintain that it’s not totally unattainable. I am not expecting sex to be mind blowing EVERY single time, or for sex to be just as exciting years down the road. What I’m saying is, once in awhile, a moment(s) should be created, enjoyed, and beautifully dramatized. Planned OR unplanned.

It takes 2 people to live out a fantasy. And with any luck, the honeymoon palace will fly in the sky for a longer time before we start building castles on strong ground.

Reaching for the Right Buttons

At a house party last week:

AARON:
What turns you on?

REN:
You mean.. Apart from the usual… er hem, pressure points?

AARON:
YOU tell ME..

REN:
Maybe with men it’s different.. I guess it’s only one place that ultimately really matters. Haha..

AARON:
Well, men ARE men. So tell me..

REN:
Okay, apart from the OBVIOUS, (I brushed my hair back and stroked my ears and neck) with his tongue and lips… here, down this way, around… (I spazzed myself out..) hoooo!



AARON:
Hahahahaha…

REN:
Given the guy is not butt ugly, if he does it, and DOES IT WELL, I’m a goner. Take me! Take me now! Hahaha!
And actually, I would appreciate it if a man would tell me what, where and how he wants it. I mean if it’s not going his way, I would prefer it if he just directs me. Take oral sex for example. I’m sure different men like it differently.

(AARON nods.)

REN:
Focus on the head and/or whole shaft,
Teeth and/or tongue,
Balls licking or not,
Spit and/or swallow.
Same goes for women.. Men are not totally to blame if they are left guessing what the woman wants. It IS more complicated with women. And if something doesn’t work for them and they don’t let the men know, it‘s really the their fault. If the women don’t care, why should the men?

AARON:
True, true..

REN:
However, I usually let the guy go freehand for awhile. Because you’ll never know.. I just, might, like it.

Brokeback Revolution

REN:
you know what's fucking funny..

RUBY:
What..

REN:
i watched this video clip on the internet last night.. It was a home video... 3 guys mocking Brokeback Mountain.. they were just dry humping.. and i was SUPER TURNED ON!!!
until puki pain man!!!
SERIOUS!!

RUBY:
Are you mad? Wtf?

REN:
I’m serious… i mean.. i always felt lesbian sex looked hot, but I could never say the same for MALE gay sex...
But ma....n.. this caught me by surpirse..
it was ODDLY arousing!!!
It was just some guys messing around.. but woah.. puki was pulsating so much!!! I was confused!!!!!! hahahahaha...

RUBY:
send me the clip.

REN:
k.

Mommy Dearest Episode 2

REN speaks:
One morning, about a month ago, I handed my mum a pair of scissors and stood in front of the full length mirror in the living room.

REN:
Here.. Chop it off.

MUM:
What?

REN:
You’re always nagging me about my hair.. Well, chop it off.
I don’t need any specific style so I’m not bothering to go to the salon. Just cut a straight line. (my hair was down to my hips)

MUM:
Er… how short do you want it?

REN:
Whatever.. 10 inches?

MUM:
(getting nervous) are you sure?

REN:
Yeah.. It’s getting messy. Chop it.

MUM:
(she starts snipping) ok. Done.

REN:
(I turned to check the length) did you cut it AT ALL?

MUM:
Hahahaha.. I think 2 cm.

REN:
Please! What’s the fucking difference? Chop it! At least above my waist.

MUM:
(she continues silently.. Snip, snip, snip..) ok, I refuse to cut anymore. It’s going to get too short. That’s it. No shorter than this.

REN:
(I took a look at it. It was about 2 inches above my waist..)
Ok. That’s perfect..
(I swept my hair to the front from both sides)
Hmmm…Don’t you think IF a woman has long hair, it should reach a little below the breasts? This is the perfect length actually.

MUM:
(rolling eyes)
You just relate EVERYTHING to sex.

REN:
Why were you so worried about cutting my hair anyway?

MUM:
Because i'm worried that no Indian will fuck you if your hair is too short.

REN:
Hahahahahaha! What rubbish..

MUM:
There’ll be no hope of me getting a son-in-law if Indians won’t fuck you.

REN:
Hahahahaha… God.. I think I really did some severe damage on you.

MUM:
yeah.. i got brainwashed by you. even I am noticing indians now.. and don’t you remember.. It got to a point where I named your children.
Raj and Pooja.

REN:
Hahahahaha.. Names I wouldn’t pick, but I get the idea.

MUM:
The Indian son-in-law is not even an expectation. It’s a given.

REN:
Hahahaha.. Good. Not necessarily true, but good. Anyway, you have no choice in the matter. whatever color i choose.

MUM:
I know…

REN:
But seriously, who knows.. i might bring a babi home one day.

MUM:
Don’t make my toes laugh.

Sexual Evolution

Mommy Dearest Episode 1

REN speaks:

This morning, my mother and I were talking about 2 of my distant cousins. Dave, quite a hottie.. And Chris, well.. not so much.

REN:
Jill (another cousin) has been living with her boyfriend for years and they’re about to get married. Yet you think she’s a virgin. You even think your son is a virgin. So what do you think about Dave?

MUM:
I don’t think he is.

REN:
Huh? How come? That’s surprising. He looks like goody.

MUM:
I just have my doubts. Chris yes. Dave, I’m not so sure.

REN:
But.. But Chris engages in more sex talk than Dave. From what YOU see, don’t you think Chris is cheekier?

MUM:
Yeah, but I still have my doubts about Dave.

REN:
That’s something new.

MUM:
Because you would fuck Dave. You will NEVER EVER fuck Chris.

REN:
What the fuck? Not this again!

MUM:
I still think you fucked him during that trip.

REN:
Hahahahahahaha!! Well, maybe I did..

MUM:
See? I’m right!

REN:
I’m kidding! Geez!!!! For the last time, I didn’t! Anyway the question was, do you think either one of them were virgins. What does my willingness to fuck them have anything to do with it? You used to think Dave was a virgin. So why the change of opinion now.. You think I took his virginity ??

MUM:
That was what I was thinking.

REN:
You’re nuts!!

*Mum gives me the skeptical eye.

Fwd: PUFF the Magic DRAGON body painting

Another Reason why Ren doesn't like ONS

RUBY:
sex yesterday was amazing! hahaha
gonna make u spaz.. i had sex continuously for 3 hours..
my biggest achievement.. hahahaha

REN:
really???
you're kidding me..

RUBY:
No.. not kidding... i am amazed!
i think i can win a competition..

REN:
no you can't.. sorry, i think i beat you there.
you mean ALL your sex session are like.. do, then khalass?

RUBY:
foreplay do... play play.. fuck again.. then cuddle a bit then khallas..
but never pass the 2 hour mark
hahaha

REN:
No.. wait…. actually, not many men are like that.
This is why I'm not so keen on ONS. I am less likely to want anything more.

Ruby’s Puki Pea- Deficiency

REN speaks:
Ruby and I haven’t met for 2 weeks and were on MSN at work in the afternoon:

RUBY:
did u know ted prefers looking at my back then my boobs..
I always thought my boobs were my best asset, but NOOOO...
quite rude shock actually... what is this thing about the back?
i dun get it..

REN:
oooooh.. ooooh... yeah... it IS a THING..

RUBY:
oh really..

REN:
it's VERY erotic.
i love it.. but i thought it was just me. But it’s more like, I would love for a guy to come from behind me and gently tickle my shoulders and back. SPAZ!

RUBY:
i feel it in my bones i am boring.. no koteks seem to interest me as much..
i look then turn away. i dun even care if i make an impression anymore...

REN:
like me.. Hahaha.. I don’t give a shit about dressing.

RUBY:
yeah man! its bad lahhh! u should really see me today...
u would go.. WTF????

REN:
surely not.. you my cute pea forever

RUBY:
yes. dun use cute.... use adorable..
cute means = adorable but ugly
i take offence

REN:
please.. spare me the high school jokes.
GROW UP MAN!!

RUBY:
dun want!!! i'm the ADORABLE pea.
SAY it! hahahaha

REN:
No.

RUBY:
kekeke okok!
u win…
SO COME SEEEEE MEEEE TODAY OK!
OK? OK? OK?
i am practically begging u..

REN:
hahaha

RUBY:
terok man.

REN:
HAHAHAHA..

RUBY:
yeah... i dun beg ted...only my puki i will beg..
ted and me do a lot of “couple” things... fucking is secondary...
Hahaha.. serious..

REN:
madness! Fucking is SECONDARY? But you guys JUST got together!!!
what happened to you!!!!!!
this is more serious than i thought!!!

RUBY:
that's why i SAYYYYY!

REN:
shit!!!! slap your puki face! stop talking nonsense!!!
PUKI!!!!! must shake some sense into you!!!!
what's the fucking point of a boyfriend if you don’t do it everyday!!!!!!! Puki, kotek you!!!!

RUBY:
yeaaaaahhh!
u must slap me... i am deteriorating...

REN:
you need serious help
i'm not kidding

RUBY:
thats why i say....
i have been having only 1 cock for 2 months..

REN:
1 cock is not the problem babe

RUBY:
i havent been out flirting... dancing..
grinding against any other men..

REN:
One cock is good.. I would love it, but the most important point of a relationship or marriage, is that you get good regular fucks.. and your boyfriend is in the same damn country! so what the fuck.. there's no excuse.. and you're not getting it!!

RUBY:
i am...weekends... hahaha

REN:
you need beer splashed on your face..
hahaha
so ok.. muddy’s (a pub)?

RUBY:
MUDDY's!!!!!!!!!!!

REN:
are you shaking from excitement?

RUBY:
YES.. Shaking!!!
all of me shaking!!!!!
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!

Romantic Movie Quotes

REN speaks:

ALL women are suckers for them. You know, THE line in a movie that makes you go weak in the knees, THE line that makes you go awwwww…, THE line that makes you yearn for a guy to come and sweep you off your feet, with exactly the right thing to say.



I was no exception. (although, it fucking annoys me when he lifts lines off wholesale)
I loved these movies and but it‘s funny how, when I actually land up on the receiving end of such lines, I go like.. “erm... o...k...”
I guess I’ll appreciate it more when I actually like the guy.

Anyhoo, here are some movies that come to mind:

Sense and Sensibility (1995)
Starring Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant.

Edward Ferrars:
My heart is, and always will be, yours.

REN: uh-huh..

Notting Hill (1999)
Starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant

Anna Scott:
After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

REN: uh-huh...

Jerry Maguire (1996)
Starring Tom Cruise and Renee Zellwegar

Jerry:
You... complete me.

REN: I thought it was one of the most romantic scenes then. Dave, an old housemate of mine, was even more affected by that scene than me.
But when I watched it again, (probably 7 years later) I developed a totally different impression. MAN, THAT LINE SUCKED!!! What? You mean without me, you have no way of functioning as a whole person? You pathetic soul.. Look me up when you’re more sure of yourself.

However... The line “you had me at hello” remains incredibly hot.

Indecent Proposal (1993)
Starring Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore

David:
Did I ever tell you I love you?

Diana:
No.

David:
I do.

Diana:
Still?

David:
Always.

REN: I actually like this dialogue. This to me, translates to the simple daily “I love you”s.
Sure the whole actions-speak-louder-than-words theory is valid, but if you know that a little verbal expression makes your partner (and you) feel good, what IS stopping you? Food for thought.
So I won’t take away the underlying importance of this re-assurance, because it does make a difference.

But if I had to pick one romantic speech from Hollywood… off the top of my head… it would have to be the one uttered by Jack Nicholson.

No No, it’s not “You make me want to be a better man.”
Granted that was grand, but ironically, it was the one below that still rings in my mind.
It’s real, it’s unpretentious. And despite the arrogant and self-absorbed undertone, I found it to be one of the highest forms of flattery.

As Good As It Gets (1997)
Starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt

Melvin Udall:
I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

REN: Marry me, Melvin.

Coldplay? Don’t you mean HOTplay?

*REN speaks:

11th July 2006: Coldplay (X&Y tour) comes to Singapore.

I never found chris martin physically hot, not even cute. Walk along boat quay, clarke quay, Holland village... and I’m sure I can find a guy who looks like him. Probably better looking in fact. (Yeah.. I don’t have the makings of an SPG.)

After the concert and a couple of drinks, I logged onto MSN:

RUBY:
puki! You’re back!

REN:
lalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUBY:
happy AHHHH?

REN:
!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUBY:
i take it coldplay was good? Hahaha!!!

REN:
I WANNA FUCK CHRIS MARTIN!!!!!!

RUBY:
u and a million other people.. james is on-line with me! hahahaha

REN:
who the fuck cares about james-what‘s-his-name?

RUBY:
u should!!!! me arranging for u to fuck him... hahahaha since i can't have him.. u can!

REN:
no mood to fuck! i want to be chis’s piano! play me baby!

RUBY:
Hahahha!!! gila lahhh! (translation: you’re mad!)

REN:
VERY!

RUBY:
married man!

REN:
Of A…LL that is obstructing me from fucking Chris Martin, you’re stressing on the fact that he’s married? you mean if he’s not, I stand a fucking chance? Haha!

REN speaks:

i was standing no more than 4 meters away from the band. It was something else. I mean, I was so close i could see what shade of blue his eyes were.

So everyone, including myself, were riding on the high of the music. Then I had a moment. If you watched his LIVE concert videos, you’d be familiar with his signature moves. Chris bent so low over the keys, his shoulders were almost touching them. He started pounding the piano with such intensity. Got the tingles then. Then, the song was reaching its climax.. Still crouching over his… er hem, instrument, he rocked on his piano stool like he was engaged in a slow, tender but firm foreplay… and when the beats arrived at its peak , his thrusts turned so madly aggressive I thought he was going to crash into the ivories! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
He was obviously in a moment?
Hell! I! I! I was in a moment. A spasmic moment! I swear, my puki felt every hit, the stool legs threw on the stage.



I wonder if I’m normal..
I wonder if at least some women in the audience thought that was extremely sexual.
And most importantly, I also wonder, was I the only one spazzing out?

S-Word Sister gone Sappy

*REN speaks:

Ruby drew my attention to 2 songs a few weeks ago.

RUBY:
This is going to be my wedding song. Take note! You my maid of honour!

The Day Before You

I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

In your eyes I see forever
It makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shapin' my heart for the day that I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you-
yeah, yeah

Was the last day that I ever lived alone
And I'm never goin' back
No, I'm never goin' back
Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
Yeah, I will never have to go back to
The day before you, the day before you

REN:
Sweet… and DISGUSTING. Hahahahaha…

RUBY:
Yeah.. Me like! Wait! Wait! This song is very you..

For My Love

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued..

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
Ask me for my love

REN:
Hahahahha.. Yeah!!! So me…Relishing in romanticizing moments.. The walk, the sounds, the gaze, the eyes… the senses… the aura… building a sensuous story before the fuck.. Beautiful..

RUBY:
Yeah la you.. The dreamer.

*REN speaks:
When i met Ruby 4 months ago (God, has it only been four months??), I’ve known her to be a vicious Maneater. But since she met Teddy, she has gone all sappy. Hahaha.. Which is a good thing. Because her nymphomania might have been cured. But I have no doubt, if her relationship with Teddy doesn’t work out, she would be back in her original elements.

This thought came to my mind when i was listening to the 2 songs:-
Do I have to wake up from my dreamy school of thought and finally graduate to the other side where love is more practical? it's easier, it's more real, it's more secure.
But come on, if I do end up with someone, I have all the time in the world to lead the "sweet simple life". It’s called marriage. Hahaha.. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is all good.
But if you have the rest of your life to be boring, why not make the best out of the honeymoon stage? and maybe, just maybe, you would have something to relive 30 years from now..

Borderline Lesbians Part II

*Last night at BQ bar:

RUBY:
You didn’t give up cock for me tonight, did you.

REN:
I did give up cock. But it wasn’t for you..

*our sex drives for some reason, took a dip that day. I get habitually dreamy, so my mind started to drift off. Ruby always had a thing for whom we call “Rugby-Boy”. He possibly could be a co-owner of BQ bar. She spazzed when he walked in.

REN:
I just don’t see it. Fuckable I guess. But he's not doing it for me. He’s not spazing me out.

RUBY:
My body is hot now. (she stood up from the bar stool)

REN:
Let me show you what I like a guy to do to me.

(she walked towards me in her strapless dress. I was still sitting on my high stool. I held on to her shoulders, turned her back towards me, snugged her hips in between my legs, and locked her thighs with my calves. I put my palms on her bare shoulders and gently sandwiched her ear lobe with my lips. Or at least tried to… her legs went wobbly a few times...)

RUBY:
Hahahahahaha… I can’t! I just can’t! I can’t take it! Hahahahaha! (banging on the glass side doors)

REN:
I haven’t even started! I just want to show you what I like! And that wasn’t it yet!

RUBY:
Nononono… I really can’t take it.. I tell you, we’ll be lesbians in no time.

REN:
I am really just showing you what I like.. and I haven’t done anything!!!

RUBY:
Nonononono… enough enough! i get it! i get it!

Borderline Lesbians Part I

RUBY:
eventful day on Monday, is it? i came home and u were not on msn!

REN:
funny how the whole world gets suspicious when i'm not on msn

RUBY:
yeah cos it only means 2 things.. drinking or fucking.

REN:
Hahahahaha…

RUBY:
I want to drink today.

REN:
today I have to detox. no $$$$

RUBY:
so bad.. i can afford to still buy u one drink. still within my budget for this week one hour to go to BQ and have one drink?



REN:
kotek you. All the way to BQ for one fucking drink? One for me will definitely turn to 5.

REN:
(After a few HOURS.. I gave in..)
Okokokok.. BQ bar.

RUBY:
BQ! OKOKOKOKOKOK! OKOKOKOOKOKOK! MUUUUAAAHHHH! KISSS U! LOTS LOTS! LOTS LOTS! i literally think i can KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS youuu!!!! i swear!

REN:
now you love me more eh..

RUBY:
KISS KIIISSSS YEAHHHH! more than ever! me so excited! get to seeee my PUKI! even i get to see teddy not as excited as this! YAY! YAY! YAY! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! A LOOOOT! A LOOOOT! MUUUAAAHHH! i am literraaaaally gonna KISS you later! NO FRIENDLY PECK SHIT!

REN:
Hahahahaha… i think if one of us were a man, we'd have 10 kids by now

RUBY:
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!YEAHHH! YAYYY! YAAAY!

REN:
you kiss me long time later?

RUBY:
YES! kiss u all over your face hahaha! u better bring face wipes.. gonna be a slobbery mess. 2 mins ago i was sad! NOW HAPPPY ALREADY! WOOOOHOOO! WOOOOHOOOO! WWWWWWOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!
YAY! u can grab my boobs! GRABBB EMMM! its ok! YAYYYYYY!!! yeaaahh! YEAHHH! Me so happy! ME SO HAPPPY! MEEE SOOO HAPPPPPY! YAY! me love me PUKI! me better do my work fast fast so that i can scoot off at 6 sharp to meeeet my PUKIIII! YAY! So excited can scream! CAN SCREAM! CAN SCREAM! my director giving me signs.. why smiling so much? i think when i talk to u i go into hysterics..
maybe that's why i could have been extra emotional these days.. like sad.. sad like that

REN:
because puki me no time this week for you.. you go into depression? hahahahaha ok.. i gotta go get ready now.

RUBY:
WOOOHOOO! WOOOOHOOO! thank you. I got the best PUKI PEA in the world! IN THE WORLD! ME SUDDENLY FLUSHED! LIKE NERVOUS.. EARS BURNING UP! MEET TEDDY ALSO NOT THIS EXCITED!

REN:
shout from the top of UOB building k?

RUBY:
WOOOOOHOOOO! if they opened the top of UOB i will be there! hahahahha okoksee u later! MUUUAAHH!

Bare Naked Ladies

*REN speaks:

I decided on Danielle’s birthday present about 3 weeks ago. She had no clue what I was up to. All she knew was that she had to meet me in front of Borders at 615pm.
This is a brief rundown of what happened yesterday.



She walked through the entrance of Wheelock Place on Orchard Road.

REN:
(smiling cheekily) So! Let’s not waste time… We’re diving straight to the present. The thing is, it’s kind of custom made. So we have to go to the 3rd floor to collect it.

DANIELLE:
Oh! How sweet! Mua! Mua!
Can we get something to eat later? I’m fucking STARVING!!!

REN:
Sure, sure.. You eat, I’ll drink.
(I just knew I needed drinks after what we were about to do. Well, I guess I needed drinks anyway.)

(hopped onto the escalator.. Walked along the shops.. I stopped at STRIP, and held the door open for her.)

REN:
Come on then… (she must have thought she was getting a mani-pedi treatment)

DANIELLE:
(Walks in nervously.. ) Er….What’s happening? why are we here?

REN:
(we walked to the counter) You’ll find out in a bit. Excuse me miss, I have an appointment for 2 people at 630pm?

DANIELLE:
What is it Ren? (looking around, talking to herself)
hmmm.. Manicure… STRIP. Pedicure… STRIP.
Why is the name of the shop STRIP?
(she catches sight of some bikini line posters and patterns)
FUCK! NO!

REN:
HAHAHAHAHA!!

DANIELLE:
No Ren! I’m serious! I’m not prepared for this!!!!

REN:
Oh come on! It’s a gift! You have to take it! And I’m doing it WITH you! (my first time too)

DANIELLE:
(shaking, almost tearing) no! fuck, I’m going to leave now!

REN:
(grabbed on to her) No!!! you’re doing it!

DANIELLE:
FUCK!!!

(in my private room.. My puki has gone fully naked before, and sex after that was mmmmmmm…. But anyway, that’s another story. I just thought it would be nice to sport a pattern this time. The only one I liked was a simple strip.)

Ling, my waxing lady drips and spread the hot wax.

REN:
Ahhhh…
this feels good… ah… nice…

LING:
(she sticks the paper on.)
okay, hold on..



REN:
What the fuck? Wait wait wait!
(I looked around for something to hold on to. Okok, the pillow under me. God I wished I had something else up my puki in that position.)
okok, go.. ARGH…. (she hasn’t stripped it)
ARGH…. (she hasn’t stripped it)
ARGH…. (she hasn’t stripped it)

STRIP!!!!

REN:
#$%^&*&^%$#!!!!!!!
(I could feel blood rushing to my face. I almost felt a bead of sweat after 3 strips. I think the first was THE killer. I thought to myself.. “it was educational, But no, never again.. Women are crazy.” This went on for 15 minutes. I made my way back to the counter to wait for Danielle. Girl at the counter said to me, “you can take a seat first.. Your friend will be a little longer“.

REN:
It’s ok.. (actually, I was afraid to sit. I could hardly walk.)

(Danielle was done. The moment we walked out the glass doors, our legs gave way to the numbing sensation. We were laughing like crazy in that position, totally oblivious to the fact that the shop’s doors were made of glass. The shop assistants were laughing at us from inside. I think we were numb in our heads too.)

DANIELLE:
God.. You bitch! Thank you? I guess? Hahahahaha.. (hugs)
Fuck, NOW I need a drink!

*On our way to Muddy Murphy‘s Pub, I noticed we were walking shoulder to shoulder.

REN:
Hey, check this out!
(pointing at our body language)
Are we so traumatized, we have to stick to each other for physical and emotional support? Hahahaha!

DANIELLE:
Hahahahhaha! Yeah! This is too funny! You know, I feel like shouting out to the world, I’M SO BRAVE! I want to take my jeans off now..

REN:
Yeah! Let’s. no point keeping it a secret. Let’s share it with the world!

.

DANIELLE:
Hahahahaha..

*We found seats at Muddy Murphy’s.

.

REN:
2 wines please. Did you want some food? You said you were really starving just now.

.

DANIELLE:
I can’t fucking think about food now man! Drinks! Drinks!

REN:
Hahahhaha..

.

DANIELLE:
I need to pee.

.

REN:
Okay.

.

DANIELLE:
(2 minutes later, she walked back.)

I couldn’t do it. I think my pussy is stressed. I’ll go later.

.

REN:
Hahahahaha…
.

DANIELLE:

alright.. cheers then.. to?

.

REN:

to.... to EVEN better sex!

.

DANIELLE:

hahahaha!! yeah!

hey, Does Allejandro (Danielle’s husband) know about this?

.

REN:
Nah.. You can surprise him later!
.

DANIELLE:
Yeah!

*a few jack daniels each later, Danielle was looking a little wasted.

.

REN:
I know I said I would never do it again.. But now, I kind of think I’m gonna keep at it. I forgot how good it feels...

.
ALLEJANDRO comes from behind Danielle:
Boo!

.

DANIELLE:
What the?

.

REN:

surprise!

.

ALLEJANDRO:
Hahahaha... enjoying yourselves?
.

DANIELLE:
Do you know what Ren gave me?!!!!!!

.

ALLEJANDRO:

I knew it all along.

.

DANIELLE:
What the…
.

ALLEJANDRO and REN:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

DANIELLE:
You, you, you, you…

*REN speaks:

.

4th of July 2006 will be etched in 3 hearts, 2 pukis, and 1 kotek forever.

Happy Birthday Danielle! And you’re welcome, Allejandro. I love you both. LOTS!
So how were the fucks? I expect a full report on the blog by Friday.

FUCK 101 Dropouts

*Ren uncovers:

1. May, in her early 30s, has a live-in boyfriend of 10 years.

MAY:
Most porn is offensive to women . I hate the ejaculating on the face. Yuck...

REN:
So what do you do? You swallow?

MAY:
EEEyew…. Disgusting!!!

REN:
Okay, if it’s not your thing.. Fair enough.. So then? where do you like it sprayed?. Breasts? Tummy? Butt?

MAY:
tissue paper.










2. Jerry, 36, is married for 5 years.

REN:
I always wondered.. Who uses flavored condoms?

JERRY:
My wife does.

REN:
Huh???? What do you mean?

JERRY:
There are many flavors… strawberry, chocolate…It’s all for the woman really. It’s for the taste…

REN:
I always wondered who bought those.. I don’t even like the smell. So I’m sure the taste will be too overwhelming.
Actually, why should YOU GUYS bother with the condom at all?

*DEAD SILENCE. I got a long stare.

REN:
So! Skies are looking grey. You think it’s going to rain?

3. Benny, 20, undergrad from Hong Kong.

BENNY:
I don’t think women should perform oral sex.

REN:
Why?

BENNY:
Seems to me like something only prostitutes should do.

REN:
(what the fuck..)

4. Rose, late 40s

REN:
Mood-Lighting plays an important part in sex.

ROSE:
I like to do it in the dark. The darker, the better.

REN:
Sure i'll do it the dark.. but i'm just saying.. MOOD lighting..
I'm not talking about fluorescent lamps..



ROSE:
No, Pitch black. ALL THE TIME. I prefer it that way.

5. Juliana, 30, married for 2 years, Indonesian.

JULIANA:
What is an orgasm?

REN:
You don’t know what an orgasm is?

JULIANA:
I know it by theory. But I don’t know how that feels like. You make it sound explosive.

REN:
Ye….ah.. It is. You never felt it before?

JULIANA:
No. I don’t know what that feels like. It’s basically just opening my legs for my husband.

REN:
Do you know what it’s like to be horny?

JULIANA:
No.

REN:
You never felt like you needed a fuck?

JULIANA:
Not really. It hurts.

REN:
Ok, fine.. But you do know you don’t need a man to get an orgasm?

JULIANA:
Huh? How?

REN:
You’ve never done it yourself at least?

JULIANA:
Are you mad????

6. Christine, 30, married for 4 years.

REN:
Have you been with a circumcised cock?

CHRISTINE:
Yes, I think Roy (her ex-boyfriend) is circumcised.

REN:
YOU THINK??

CHRISTINE:
I’m not sure. I think he is.

REN:
What do you mean “you think“??

CHRISTINE:
I’m not sure.

REN:
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait… you HAVE seen it?

CHRISTINE:
Yes, of course..

REN:
Huh? What do you mean you’re not sure?

CHRISTINE:
I can’t figure it out. I think he is..

REN:
(what the fuck?)